Ever wish that you could go to a place were you could just relax and forget your worries? Or a place you could go to bring back good memories? Well this wish was granted for me when I first wnet to the Tenrikyo temple.
I first went to the temple during my fourth year in judo. I had just been selected to play in the junior olympics that would be held in Florida. The church had decided to hold a blessing for the players that would be going to compete in the mainland. When I first stepped onto the cold wooden floor with my barefeet an overwhelming presence i can not describe came over me. The sweet aroma of insence burning, the ringing of the gongs and the chant of prayers being hummed by revrend and bishop sato made the presence grow stronger. After the prayesrs bishop gave us a blessing and words of wisdom to remember on the tripp.
The next week we left for the tournament. The team was ready and itching to play and twitchin with excitement. On the day of the competition all the excitment seemed to dissappear and transform into nervousness and worry. As we stared into the crowds of competitior filled with diffent quantities of races we became more and more nervous. As Sensei Chow looked at us sensing the nervousness, he said only five words " Remember the words of revrend" At that moment I closed my eyes and the voice of bishop came into my head " Clear your mind." I took a deep breath and stared into the crowd agian this time looking at them just like they were normal humans. I had a mindset the said I can do this. When it was my tuned to compete I stepped onto the cold tatami mat and was ready for my opponent. By the end of the day i had won eight matches contributin to the twelve gold medals we took home that day.
When we landed at the airport hugs, kisses and leis were given to us. I had never appreciated hawaii so much. The next day I went to the temple. The same smell and soudns were there, the only difference I felt was the presence. I could finally describe it. Peace. It was something I had not felt in a long time. Now I gao there once a year just to feel that presecne and to alway bring back the memories that will stay with me for life.
I lyk how ur intro really caught my attention by saying if i had a wish it would be granted.Also what i lyked was how you were very specific on how you felt when u went to the mainland.You said that ur sensei told you to remember the words of the reverd.What i recommend to u is to give more specific concrete details,some of ur details are abstract so u could clean that up.Also you may want to check your grammar because sometimes the sentence doesnt make sense.but i really enjoy ur story
ReplyDelete-brayton
Bryson,
ReplyDeleteI think your essay is really vivid. By the way your applied how your emotions felt and by not showing us but telling us about the temple. Also by using a good choice in descriptive words to show how you felt going to the junior olympics in Florida and your regards to coming back home and being grateful you live here in Hawaii. You did a really good job using the 5 senses technique to give the readers a more realistic desription on how you felt while living up this oppurtunity to go to the temple and get blessed, going to Florida to the junior olympics, winning 8 matches and 12 medal, coming back home & being greeted with hugs, kisses, and leis around you, etc. Although, I think you had the most trouble in your grammar. While reading your draft, I pointed out 14 grammatical errors. But overall I think your draft was good! It shows how devoted you are to judo!
1) 1st paragraph, last sentences: prayesrs = prayers
2) 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: twitchin = twitching
3) 2nd paragraph, 5th sentence: rervrend = reverend
4) 2nd paragraph, 5th sentence: * you forgot a period @ the end of your sentence.
5) 2nd paragraph, 7th sentence: agian = again
6) 2nd paragraph, 8th sentence: mindset = mind set
7) 2nd paragraph, 9th sentence: tuned = turn
8) 2nd paragraph, 10th sentence: contributin = contributing
9) 4th paragraph, 3rd sentence: *fix you sentence (show not tell what happened when you went to the temple).
10) 4th paragraph, 4th sentence: soudns = sounds
11) 4th paragraph, 6th sentence: *fix your sentence (Instead of writing jut “Peace”, show not tell how)
12) 4th paragraph, last sentence: gao = go
13) 4th prargraph, last sentence: presecne = presence
14) 4th paragraph, last sentence: alway = always
- Angelica <3
Hi Bryson,
ReplyDeleteYour two classmates, combined, have given you a pretty good critique. Brayton commented on the ideas portion--to make your details more specific and Angelica on the grammar part.
For your revision, start on the ideas first. As Brayton says, there are not many details about the querencia, the place itself. The sound details about the chanting and gongs are great, as is the detail about the incense. But you need more. The part about the tournament is good because it shows how the peace from the temple went with you...but the initial description of the temple needs to be developed more fully.
mrs s